I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
