my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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