I am spending my child support on dildos
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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