just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
