Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
