I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Dicks are not precious.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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