apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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