i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
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