Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
