You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
