My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Randomize
