Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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