if you like me you must not know who I am
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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