I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
