if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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