The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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