he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Randomize
