Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
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Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
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I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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