sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
