I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
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Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
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Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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