this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
