porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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