The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
