maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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