i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize