The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
The ass gains better be worth it
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