My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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