Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
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And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
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I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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