Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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