Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
