I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
