Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
