Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I queefed so loud it echoed.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
