Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Randomize
