This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
