I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
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Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
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This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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