Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
