Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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