My liver just broke up with me...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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