Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
