I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
