New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
