so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
