i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
