She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
