margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
