dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
he's gonorrhea incarnate
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
