how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
