I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
