Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
