someone threw a dead crab at me
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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