Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
