Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
