3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
