we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
